Whew, what a whirlwind couple of weeks it's been for me. Let's talk about stress ~ I don't handle stress well and for the past two weeks it's been my main companion. In the past, stress has been one of the reasons I eat and stuff my emotions. This time however; I have a different plan of attack - it's called working out and meeting personal physical goals.
To preface my couple of weeks, the stress has come from life and the curveballs it throws you from time to time. Our daughter-in-law Emily trying to go into premature labor with our 6th grandchild Chace. Chace is not due until May but the little bugger is trying ever so hard to be born early and for the past two weeks has sent Mommy to the doctor and to the hospital a few times. Bedrest was ordered for her and so that's when being a part of a family kicks in and she turned to us to help her out while my stepson Adam works. I've been helping Emily out alot with my almost 2 year old grandson Addison. Between finishing up my Paralegal school training (set to graduate in May) and dealing with a 2 year old half the time, my eating has been off, my journaling my food intake has been almost null/void and although I am drinking my water, it's a constant struggle to get in my required intake. Because of this I am still sitting at 249 and I haven't attended a WW meeting in a couple weeks so the plateau continues but I haven't gained weight and as my mother likes to say "my sands are shifting" and my clothes are fitting differently thanks to exercise.
Exercise is the one thing in my life that I haven't let slip and my training for my first 5K hasn't stopped and that is the only thing keeping me on task. I am up to 4/10 of a mile running and on days I don't run, I am power walking to keep my momentum. Every day something pops up to discourage me not to work out and every day that inner voice inside me that tells me to 'not' workout tries in vain to keep me from doing the deed. What's the difference? The difference this time is my son Matt who is currently living with us. When I shared with him that I wanted to get in shape and run a 5K on this fitness journey, he told me that there would be days that I wouldn't like him very much because he was going to be on me reminding me what the main focus of my goals are and keep me focused on that. I can't tell you how beneficial that has been for my psyche. About a week ago I had a HORRIBLE headache and it was that TOM so I was most definetely having an "I can't do it" day. I tried every excuse in the world with Matt and he was persistant. So much so that I was getting really perturbed with him. Finally we left for the YMCA. It was rainy and cold and miserable outside and the last thing I wanted to do was put on my sweats, tie up my running shoes and go out in the weather at 7 p.m. after a long day of feeling like shit.
We got to the Y, and started off just stretching and walking around the track. Matt encouraged me to run at least one lap (1/10) but as we were running, he started pointing out to me that he knew I could do more and to run through the pain. I have to admit with each step I took running, my head pounded a little bit more. As I ran around that track not once, not twice, not three but four times it was as if the stress I was feeling in my shoulders and neck and even my head left. Walking around the track to cool down, I felt better than I had felt in a long time and my breathing wasn't nearly as bad as it had been on previous runs. I finished up my workout about 45 min later and finally felt totally in control of how I was feeling that day. That feeling empowered me and encouraged me to keep up this fight. It's not going to be an easy battle but I do know that it can be done and I have daily proof when I talk with my son who is battling severe PTSD from his time in Iraq and when I log into Twitter or Facebook and see the inspiring testimonies of people that I have met on this journey. Because of these people showing me that they believe in me, it has put me in a different mind set this time and whether of not I lost the weight fast or slow, I am encouraged on a daily basis and have a support system that I've never had before.
Hopefully, the stress will slow down and hopefully I will be able to blog more and talk about where my journey is at and how I'm overcoming my battle with morbid obesity and getting back into top physical shape.
My journey as I make significant lifestyle changes to become a more healthy and productive human being and to lose 65 lbs and prepare to run a 5K.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Fear and Facing it Immediately
Woke up this a.m. feeling immediate pain and stiffness. I haven't felt sore since my last treatment 2 weeks ago, my final treatment 2 weeks ago. Immediately my fears of my back issues came up and overcame me. Immediately the old Deb came out and I felt defeated. Immediately, I doubted myself and tried to tell myself that I couldn't do this. Immediately, I began believing that I wouldn't be able to lose this weight and accomplish my goal of running a 5 K by the end of the year. Immediately, I started panicking and immediately had that tightness in my chest that I get when I go into an anxiety attack. I laid there thinking of an immediate action. What could I do to not let this fear get the best of me and face it immediately? As I contemplated this, I heard my husband tell my son that I wasn't up yet and I was hurting again. For some reason that immediately set me on fire and I was determined that I wasn't going to allow this to happen to me again. I rolled over and of course, the two dogs were there so after much love and encouragement from them, I got out of the bed and immediately took action.
I immediately filled a 16 oz cup with crushed ice and water and immediately drank it. I immediately reached over to the Excedrin for Back/Body pain and took two and then I immediately took a deep breath and allowed my head to clear of the fear. I then immediately laid down on my floor in the living room and did extensive stretching exercises that the physical therapist showed me to immediately tackle this stiffness/soreness when it occurs. With that done, I started feeling more confident and then, my day went about it's normal routine. I ate my very healthy breakfast and drank a cup of hot tea. I then immediately wrote down what I ate because I decided after that great WW meeting on Friday where I felt rejeuvanated that no matter what I am going to immediately journal my food intake so that I can be successful this upcoming week with a weight loss of at least a lbs. I have realized that my weight loss won't be immediate but my attitude towards it needs to be.
I went on Twitter and read some of the ladies who have successfully lost a large amount of weight and got the immediate encouragement I needed to go on with this immediate way of thinking. One is a little younger than me and was at one time a little larger than me so I tend to relate to her more. Her blog inspired me so much today that I sent her a direct message. I just needed to write it out what I was feeling and immediately face this fear and not allow it to get the best of me. She was very compassionate and I immediately felt calmer. Enough so that I took another deep breath and immediately blogged about it. Now my back pain has subsided enough that I can go on with my day. I have decided that I need to rest my back today but I'm not going to rest my plan of action to lose this weight. I am going to train smart and listen to my body when it gives me signals. It's going to be 70 degrees here today so I will go outside and enjoy this beautiful gift that God has blessed us with - LIFE and I'm going to enjoy it immediately.
I immediately filled a 16 oz cup with crushed ice and water and immediately drank it. I immediately reached over to the Excedrin for Back/Body pain and took two and then I immediately took a deep breath and allowed my head to clear of the fear. I then immediately laid down on my floor in the living room and did extensive stretching exercises that the physical therapist showed me to immediately tackle this stiffness/soreness when it occurs. With that done, I started feeling more confident and then, my day went about it's normal routine. I ate my very healthy breakfast and drank a cup of hot tea. I then immediately wrote down what I ate because I decided after that great WW meeting on Friday where I felt rejeuvanated that no matter what I am going to immediately journal my food intake so that I can be successful this upcoming week with a weight loss of at least a lbs. I have realized that my weight loss won't be immediate but my attitude towards it needs to be.
I went on Twitter and read some of the ladies who have successfully lost a large amount of weight and got the immediate encouragement I needed to go on with this immediate way of thinking. One is a little younger than me and was at one time a little larger than me so I tend to relate to her more. Her blog inspired me so much today that I sent her a direct message. I just needed to write it out what I was feeling and immediately face this fear and not allow it to get the best of me. She was very compassionate and I immediately felt calmer. Enough so that I took another deep breath and immediately blogged about it. Now my back pain has subsided enough that I can go on with my day. I have decided that I need to rest my back today but I'm not going to rest my plan of action to lose this weight. I am going to train smart and listen to my body when it gives me signals. It's going to be 70 degrees here today so I will go outside and enjoy this beautiful gift that God has blessed us with - LIFE and I'm going to enjoy it immediately.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Weight Watchers Meeting Revelations
Yesterday I attended the first WW meeting in a month. I'll admit the past month as been crazy but I was getting lackidaisial in my attendance of the meetings because I had come to a screeching halt on the scale. I decided this week to adjust my attitude and go at this with a different perspective. I was going to 'write' my WW meeting in my date book on my desk just like I've done with the running. I also decided that since I'm training to run/workout on M,W, F around 10 a.m., I needed to attend an earlier WW meeting. Luckily for me, I am in a town that has a WW center and they have 8 a.m. class on Friday. So, yesterday morning when my husband got up, I got up and acted as if it weren't my day off from school etc....and I took my shower and I got dressed and attended the 8 a.m. meeting.
What a DIFFERENCE a day/time make. When I walked in, I immediately felt welcomed and appreciated. Now, don't get me wrong, this same place welcomes me and appreciates me no matter when I come but the lady weighing me in just went out of her way to welcome me back. It's the little things sometimes that make you realize that you have made the right choice. I'm not one who needs a pat on the back or encouragement to do something but I guess I was nervous that I had not been in a month and with the fear of the scale combined it was just nice to walk into that atmosphere.
I was only down .5 lbs but hey, I was down and that is a celebration. The leader of the meeting at 8 a.m. is exactly the type of personality that needs to lead that early in the morning. The meeting was surprisingly full and the ages varied from early 20's to 80's. I sat there really appreciative of the leader's attitude and warmness. She also started the meeting out with talking about slacking off and wanting to give up the fight and it was as if she spoke straight to what I'd been dealing with over the past month. The deal breaker for me was when she recognized one woman's achievement who was 2 lbs from her 100 lbs goal. Last year at this time this woman was 255 lbs. and couldn't carry a basket of clothes up the stairs without having to stop and catch her breath. She was probably about my age maybe a little younger but still hearing her story and knowing that she was where I am now and now today only 2 lbs. from her weight loss goal. She spoke of weeks of not losing and then having a big loss and then not losing for a while again. She talked of how she figured out that this was the way her body lost weight and that she had accepted it and that made this journey easier. She also just ran a 5K and was at her personal best in the time. Seriously couldn't get over how much I was relating to this woman. There was also a young man (maybe mid 20's) who had lost 50 lbs and still losing and two women who were in the loss of 65 lbs range and sharing where they were a year ago and where they are now. One of the 65 lbs loss ladies told how she attended a work conference last year at a resort and after the meetings she couldn't even bring herself to go down to the pool area with her co-workers to swim and hang out because she was so out of shape and heavy. She said that this year, she had bought a bathing suit for the first time in too many years and couldn't wait to see her co-workers faces when she joined them swimming and socializing. She said it was a modest one piece but swimsuit shopping was a personal achievement for her and the look of pride on her face was priceless. There were lots of stories similar to these and some kept quiet and applauded these courageous people's efforts. Since I was new to the group, the leader asked me about any celebrations this week and I shared about my running with my son for the first time in a long while and after my back treatments. I got a big applause over my 2/10 of a mile running and honestly, again not being one who needs a pat on the back over these types of things, it was nice to have the support and praise from people who are there with me physically or have been there physically.
I left that meeting feeling rejeuvenated and with a much more proactive attitude on losing this weight. I certainly have to accept that my body will react to this eating right and exercising but only on a consistent basis. I can't have a defeatist attitude anymore where my weight is concerned and trust that God is in charge and brings me to these situations for a reason. I ended up working out by myself yesterday because my son had a lunch date with a friend. I was nervous trying to run without my son encouraging me along but I walked in and went through our routine of stretching for 10 minutes and then I hit that track like it was noone's business. I managed to get the first mile of my walk in at a very quick 15 min (had been 17 before) and I ran the first 1/10 of a mile starting out way too fast and halfway thinking "I'm not going to be able to do this" but I slow down and finished it. I didn't run through as my son likes me to do but I kept on walking and after I got my breathing back to normal (the whole time making myself talk to myself) I attempted it again. My son being a former Marine is fond of cadences when he's running saying them to himself. When tackling a hill on our walk around the neighborhood, he suggested one such as "Up the hill, f*ck the hill" which actually worked for me even with the potty language. I ended up saying "Up the hill, freak the hill" but it got me up this very steep hill near my house that kicks my butt to the point in the past where I wouldn't be able to talk, breathe or anything until near the end of the walk. As I walked around the laps of the track building up the momentum to run again, I started saying to myself "Up the hill, 251, down the hill 243" - now don't ask me why I picked 243 but it just came to me and it worked as I ran around the track the second time around and I had the rush of energy and ran through the final part as I've been instructed by my son and then walked a couple of cool down laps. I stretched afterwards and felt an elelation that I needed to feel knowing that this is going to happen. It might be a slow, long drawn out process but it will happen as long as I stay focused and keep on consistently eating healthy, making wise choices and exercising smart. It was a good day and I was tired last night but it was the boost I needed to get over a slump.
What a DIFFERENCE a day/time make. When I walked in, I immediately felt welcomed and appreciated. Now, don't get me wrong, this same place welcomes me and appreciates me no matter when I come but the lady weighing me in just went out of her way to welcome me back. It's the little things sometimes that make you realize that you have made the right choice. I'm not one who needs a pat on the back or encouragement to do something but I guess I was nervous that I had not been in a month and with the fear of the scale combined it was just nice to walk into that atmosphere.
I was only down .5 lbs but hey, I was down and that is a celebration. The leader of the meeting at 8 a.m. is exactly the type of personality that needs to lead that early in the morning. The meeting was surprisingly full and the ages varied from early 20's to 80's. I sat there really appreciative of the leader's attitude and warmness. She also started the meeting out with talking about slacking off and wanting to give up the fight and it was as if she spoke straight to what I'd been dealing with over the past month. The deal breaker for me was when she recognized one woman's achievement who was 2 lbs from her 100 lbs goal. Last year at this time this woman was 255 lbs. and couldn't carry a basket of clothes up the stairs without having to stop and catch her breath. She was probably about my age maybe a little younger but still hearing her story and knowing that she was where I am now and now today only 2 lbs. from her weight loss goal. She spoke of weeks of not losing and then having a big loss and then not losing for a while again. She talked of how she figured out that this was the way her body lost weight and that she had accepted it and that made this journey easier. She also just ran a 5K and was at her personal best in the time. Seriously couldn't get over how much I was relating to this woman. There was also a young man (maybe mid 20's) who had lost 50 lbs and still losing and two women who were in the loss of 65 lbs range and sharing where they were a year ago and where they are now. One of the 65 lbs loss ladies told how she attended a work conference last year at a resort and after the meetings she couldn't even bring herself to go down to the pool area with her co-workers to swim and hang out because she was so out of shape and heavy. She said that this year, she had bought a bathing suit for the first time in too many years and couldn't wait to see her co-workers faces when she joined them swimming and socializing. She said it was a modest one piece but swimsuit shopping was a personal achievement for her and the look of pride on her face was priceless. There were lots of stories similar to these and some kept quiet and applauded these courageous people's efforts. Since I was new to the group, the leader asked me about any celebrations this week and I shared about my running with my son for the first time in a long while and after my back treatments. I got a big applause over my 2/10 of a mile running and honestly, again not being one who needs a pat on the back over these types of things, it was nice to have the support and praise from people who are there with me physically or have been there physically.
I left that meeting feeling rejeuvenated and with a much more proactive attitude on losing this weight. I certainly have to accept that my body will react to this eating right and exercising but only on a consistent basis. I can't have a defeatist attitude anymore where my weight is concerned and trust that God is in charge and brings me to these situations for a reason. I ended up working out by myself yesterday because my son had a lunch date with a friend. I was nervous trying to run without my son encouraging me along but I walked in and went through our routine of stretching for 10 minutes and then I hit that track like it was noone's business. I managed to get the first mile of my walk in at a very quick 15 min (had been 17 before) and I ran the first 1/10 of a mile starting out way too fast and halfway thinking "I'm not going to be able to do this" but I slow down and finished it. I didn't run through as my son likes me to do but I kept on walking and after I got my breathing back to normal (the whole time making myself talk to myself) I attempted it again. My son being a former Marine is fond of cadences when he's running saying them to himself. When tackling a hill on our walk around the neighborhood, he suggested one such as "Up the hill, f*ck the hill" which actually worked for me even with the potty language. I ended up saying "Up the hill, freak the hill" but it got me up this very steep hill near my house that kicks my butt to the point in the past where I wouldn't be able to talk, breathe or anything until near the end of the walk. As I walked around the laps of the track building up the momentum to run again, I started saying to myself "Up the hill, 251, down the hill 243" - now don't ask me why I picked 243 but it just came to me and it worked as I ran around the track the second time around and I had the rush of energy and ran through the final part as I've been instructed by my son and then walked a couple of cool down laps. I stretched afterwards and felt an elelation that I needed to feel knowing that this is going to happen. It might be a slow, long drawn out process but it will happen as long as I stay focused and keep on consistently eating healthy, making wise choices and exercising smart. It was a good day and I was tired last night but it was the boost I needed to get over a slump.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Making Changes For Me: Let's Get This Party Started
Making Changes For Me: Let's Get This Party Started: "Today, I decided after much encouragement from my oldest son to blog about my journey to make significant changes in my life. I actually sta..."
Let's Get This Party Started
Today, I decided after much encouragement from my oldest son to blog about my journey to make significant changes in my life. I actually started this journey in July 2010, when I stepped on the scale and was FLOORED to see my weight had hit the maximum of 265. Now, I'm (as they say in the South) a big ole strapping girl. At 5'8 my ideal weight is 165 and the last time I saw that number I was a senior in high school 29 years ago.
Growing up, food was always my comfort. I could eat when I was happy, sad, mad, upset, moody and it never failed me. I made lots of bad choices with foods late night snacking on really fatty foods and just binging to stuff down my emotions in life. In my twenties, I began making another bad choice - bingeing. I had had my first child and gained 50 lbs and for the first time in my life, I was miserable with a child I wasn't sure how to raise, married for the wrong reason and carrying 35 of the 50 lbs I had gained. After a year of my pretending it would fall off of me, I made the bad decision to stick my finger down my throat and vomit up the food I had binged on that evening. When it came up so easily - I was hooked. During this time, I also realized that I wasn't going to stay married to my son's father and started making other bad choices and tried finding love in all the wrong places. I was looking for a way out of that nightmare and instead of going back to school and improving myself I made a very bad lifestyle change ~ going from the frying pan to the fire or so to speak and jumping back into another bad relationship. I lost 35 lbs and felt good but realistically at 178, I was still overweight. The route that I used to lose the weight with bulimia and no exercise started a battle that I struggled with the rest of my adult life.
Fast forward 12 years, another bad marriage and no means to really support me and my two boys I made the decision to move away from my hometown and take a much better paying job and start a new life. I was divorced and moved to another city and had met a wonderful supportive man who loved me for me. As happy as I was, I couldn't ever be truly happy because I was still overweight and out of shape but life has a funny way of bringing things to a standstill and together he and I raised 5 children between us to adulthood. Dealing with his ex-wife continuously and with my ex-husband occasionally, and teenagers and teenager problems I fought daily with my addiction to food and my occasional bulimia issues. I hid the bulimia from my husband for a while and then finally one day - confessed it to him. It was like I was being released from a prison. I am however; realistic when I say that although I told my husband about it - I still had moments of weakness and binged/purged.
Today, I sit here at almost 47 years old, 250 lbs. and for the first time in my adult life feeling like I can finally overcome this weight problem and get back into shape and stay focused on it. I am doing WW and after a recent back problem that needed a specialist, I have been released to start exercising regularly. I've had to learn to respect my back problem but also learn to exercise around it and train smart. I'm now training for a 5K with my son who is a former Marine battling PTSD from his time in Iraq. He is a runner so I feel like I'm in good hands but I also signed up for a free program through a twitter friend "5K in 100 days". We are planning on running the 5K in the fall.
Currently, I am walking and running 2 miles/3days wk and I can run up to 3/10 of a mile. Nothing can express the surprise that I had when at the beginning of this week, I ran the first 1/10 and felt my old runner self coming back up to the surface. As someone who had run in her youth 2 miles a day, it was almost like getting back on a bicycle after all these years. As I ran the second 1/10 on Monday of this week a surge of confidence came over me that I had not felt in a long, long time. Last night when we were at the YMCA, I walked a little, and then completed (3) 1/10 laps = 3/10 of a mile. Although they were not consecutive laps, I still feel strongly that soon I will be doing those laps consistently. On the off days, we are walking in the neighborhood where there is a killer hill. I say killer because until this week, I couldn't climb it while talking or being VERY winded afterwards. That all changed on Tuesday when my son taught me some cadences to overcome obstacles in my training. Some of them aren't family friendly but one I can say "Up the hill, f*ck the hill" over and over in my head and it gets me through that darn hill as I build up my endurance. I think I surprised my son with my little running skills and he even told me he was proud of me and that I had good form. Another boost of confidence for me and an unbelievable surge of energy. I haven't felt this good after a workout in YEARS so to me, running is going to get me through this journey.
I will be blogging my successes and my downfalls during this journey. I will be reporting on my progress to achieve my dream of running a 5K and I will be posting things about life and healthy recipes and anything interesting that this journey brings along. Until then I'll be training smart and living life to the fullest as I make these changes for me.
Growing up, food was always my comfort. I could eat when I was happy, sad, mad, upset, moody and it never failed me. I made lots of bad choices with foods late night snacking on really fatty foods and just binging to stuff down my emotions in life. In my twenties, I began making another bad choice - bingeing. I had had my first child and gained 50 lbs and for the first time in my life, I was miserable with a child I wasn't sure how to raise, married for the wrong reason and carrying 35 of the 50 lbs I had gained. After a year of my pretending it would fall off of me, I made the bad decision to stick my finger down my throat and vomit up the food I had binged on that evening. When it came up so easily - I was hooked. During this time, I also realized that I wasn't going to stay married to my son's father and started making other bad choices and tried finding love in all the wrong places. I was looking for a way out of that nightmare and instead of going back to school and improving myself I made a very bad lifestyle change ~ going from the frying pan to the fire or so to speak and jumping back into another bad relationship. I lost 35 lbs and felt good but realistically at 178, I was still overweight. The route that I used to lose the weight with bulimia and no exercise started a battle that I struggled with the rest of my adult life.
Fast forward 12 years, another bad marriage and no means to really support me and my two boys I made the decision to move away from my hometown and take a much better paying job and start a new life. I was divorced and moved to another city and had met a wonderful supportive man who loved me for me. As happy as I was, I couldn't ever be truly happy because I was still overweight and out of shape but life has a funny way of bringing things to a standstill and together he and I raised 5 children between us to adulthood. Dealing with his ex-wife continuously and with my ex-husband occasionally, and teenagers and teenager problems I fought daily with my addiction to food and my occasional bulimia issues. I hid the bulimia from my husband for a while and then finally one day - confessed it to him. It was like I was being released from a prison. I am however; realistic when I say that although I told my husband about it - I still had moments of weakness and binged/purged.
Today, I sit here at almost 47 years old, 250 lbs. and for the first time in my adult life feeling like I can finally overcome this weight problem and get back into shape and stay focused on it. I am doing WW and after a recent back problem that needed a specialist, I have been released to start exercising regularly. I've had to learn to respect my back problem but also learn to exercise around it and train smart. I'm now training for a 5K with my son who is a former Marine battling PTSD from his time in Iraq. He is a runner so I feel like I'm in good hands but I also signed up for a free program through a twitter friend "5K in 100 days". We are planning on running the 5K in the fall.
Currently, I am walking and running 2 miles/3days wk and I can run up to 3/10 of a mile. Nothing can express the surprise that I had when at the beginning of this week, I ran the first 1/10 and felt my old runner self coming back up to the surface. As someone who had run in her youth 2 miles a day, it was almost like getting back on a bicycle after all these years. As I ran the second 1/10 on Monday of this week a surge of confidence came over me that I had not felt in a long, long time. Last night when we were at the YMCA, I walked a little, and then completed (3) 1/10 laps = 3/10 of a mile. Although they were not consecutive laps, I still feel strongly that soon I will be doing those laps consistently. On the off days, we are walking in the neighborhood where there is a killer hill. I say killer because until this week, I couldn't climb it while talking or being VERY winded afterwards. That all changed on Tuesday when my son taught me some cadences to overcome obstacles in my training. Some of them aren't family friendly but one I can say "Up the hill, f*ck the hill" over and over in my head and it gets me through that darn hill as I build up my endurance. I think I surprised my son with my little running skills and he even told me he was proud of me and that I had good form. Another boost of confidence for me and an unbelievable surge of energy. I haven't felt this good after a workout in YEARS so to me, running is going to get me through this journey.
I will be blogging my successes and my downfalls during this journey. I will be reporting on my progress to achieve my dream of running a 5K and I will be posting things about life and healthy recipes and anything interesting that this journey brings along. Until then I'll be training smart and living life to the fullest as I make these changes for me.
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